The Cowboy
by GoodyAce
Summary: Jerry loses his agent but gains a friend. George indulges in some misdirection. Elaine is in the driver's seat of her new relationship. Kramer represents more than he bargains for.


SEINFELD

THE COWBOY

BY JOSH FAGAN

SCENE - STREET

(George is staring at the ground looking for a piece of gum he has just dropped. As he answers the stranger he begins to look up, noticing that the man he's talking to is dressed like a cowboy and speaks with a thick Texas drawl.)

PAUL

Pardon me stranger. But you wouldn't happen to know where Bleecker Street is by any chance?

GEORGE

Bleecker Street. Yeah. It's...

PAUL

Looking for something?

GEORGE

Oh. I dropped a piece of gum.

PAUL

Well I chew tobacco myself.

(George looks up at Paul with his wide-brimmed hat, boots, leather jacket, tight jeans, and five o'clock shadow)

GEORGE

Bleecker Street. Umm, yeah it's right around here I think. I know where it is. Let me think for a second. Yeah. You just go straight and turn left at the third light.

PAUL

Well I'm mighty obliged.

GEORGE

No problem. Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you, like, a real cowboy?

PAUL

I sure am.

GEORGE

Wow. So, like, you've been out on the, I don't know what they call it, drives?

PAUL

Oh sure. Yeah, I've had my fair share of drives. I was out on one last week. Drove all the way to Maine.

GEORGE

You drove to Maine? What, like on the trails, right? Do they have cows in Maine?

PAUL

Some.

GEORGE

Oh, I can't believe this. I've got to tell you. I've always wanted to be a cowboy. The hat, the lasso. Is it lasso-o, or lass-oo? I could never figure that out.

PAUL

Heck, you New Yorkers really crack me up. Well I've got to be moseying now.

GEORGE

Mosey! Wow. All right. Mosey on.

PAUL

The third light on the left?

GEORGE

Yeah. And then just keep going straight.

SCENE - STREET

(Jerry and George are walking)

GEORGE

Do you ever wonder what they do out on those cattle drives?

JERRY

I don't even think they have those any more.

GEORGE

Well what do they do with the cows?

JERRY

The same thing they've always done.

GEORGE

Well how do they get them from one place to another?

JERRY

They drive them.

GEORGE

In cars?

JERRY

Yeah. They take them out in the old station wagon. Flip down the back seat, pull down the headrests; you can get five or six head in there, tops.

GEORGE

Head?

JERRY

That's what they call cows. Head.

GEORGE

Well I don't know about that.

JERRY

You've never heard that expression before? 5 head of cattle.

GEORGE

Well why would they call them head? How about something more distinctive? Like, hooves. Or udders. Five udders. Five udds.

JERRY

Yeah. Udds.

GEORGE

The Old West. That really would have been a neat place to live.

JERRY

Yeah. I could see you wearing spurs.

GEORGE

What do you think about going to a dude ranch? I'm serious. We could all go out there. You, me, and Kramer.

JERRY

I don't know. It seems like a lot of leather.

GEORGE

Come on. It'll be fun. We'll all go together. It'll be like a vacation.

JERRY

A vacation! Yeah. This is coming from a guy who couldn't even ride a banana seat.

GEORGE

I wonder what they do on a dude ranch.

JERRY

I don't know. All those dudes. They probably just sit around, comb their hair, wear leather jackets, act cool. Get into rumbles.

GEORGE

That's enough.

JERRY

All of a sudden you want to be a cowboy?

GEORGE

Not all of a sudden. I've always wanted to do something exciting. Even when I was a kid, I used to play with those cap guns. I used to pretend they were six shooters.

JERRY

So you think that you could have survived out there on the range?

GEORGE

I lived with my parents. How much worse could it have been?

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

(George and Jerry are about to enter the apartment)

JERRY

So what's with all this cowboy stuff all of the sudden?

GEORGE

I met a cowboy on the street today. Hat. Belt buckle. Everything. This guy was like the embodiment of cool.

JERRY

Like James Dean with the horse instead of the hot rod.

GEORGE

He asked me where Bleecker Street was. I think I gave him bad directions.

JERRY

Where'd you tell him to go?

GEORGE

I told him to walk away from the river.

JERRY

But Bleecker's towards the river.

GEORGE

I know. I realized it like a minute after he left.

JERRY

Well how far did you tell him to go?

GEORGE

I told him to keep going straight until he got there.

JERRY

So for all you know this guy's still walking?

GEORGE

Well he was wearing cowboy boots. He would have had to stop. Rest his feet. You've worn those things before. They're like vice grips for your feet. It's like wearing a piece of wood for a shoe.

(Jerry opens an envelope and studies the contents)

JERRY

Oh, I can't believe this.

GEORGE

What?

JERRY

These tickets. I'm playing a club in Atlantic City this weekend. My agent was supposed to send me plane tickets. These are the wrong tickets.

GEORGE

Really? Where are they for? Not Modesto?

JERRY

Modesto? What are you talking about? Does it matter where they're for?

GEORGE

No.

JERRY

This is like the third time this month that she's screwed up. You know, I think she's crazy.

GEORGE

How do you mean?

JERRY

She's crazy?

GEORGE

Like raving?

JERRY

I've seen her rave.

GEORGE

Raving's not that rare. What does she do?

JERRY

I've caught her talking to herself.

GEORGE

So what. I talk to myself.

JERRY

I mean like complete conversations.

GEORGE

Well, I don't interest myself that much. Usually it's just a hello and goodbye.

JERRY

It's really a terrible situation. I'm afraid what she's gonna do.

GEORGE

Please. Is this the one who did the whole thing with the pilot?

JERRY

No. She moved to LA. She just liked palm trees.

GEORGE

So what are you going to do? With the tickets, I mean.

JERRY

You're not getting the tickets.

GEORGE

Well, then, with the agent?

JERRY

I'm going to fire her.

GEORGE

You fire people?

JERRY

Yeah. I can fire people.

GEORGE

I'd like to see you fire someone.

JERRY

Well, I'm not a confrontational person, but I can turn it on when I have to. I can flick that switch.

GEORGE

Well if you fire her, what are you going to do for an agent?

JERRY

I'll find someone else.

GEORGE

Maybe I could manage you.

JERRY

Don't you already have a job?

GEORGE

Yeah. But this could be like a part time thing. I could do it on the side.

JERRY

You mean like after school, in your spare time. Maybe pick up a little extra cash?

GEORGE

Yeah. It would be fun.

JERRY

I don't know if I want you managing my career on the side. It's kind of a little important to me.

(Enter Kramer)

KRAMER

They threw me out.

JERRY

Out of where?

KRAMER

Out of the drug store.

JERRY

Why?

KRAMER

I was reading the magazines. They said "This isn't a library." I said, "Well, then maybe I'll talk a little louder."

GEORGE

Really? You said that? That's so, I don't know, quick witted.

KRAMER

Yeah. Thanks.

GEORGE

Don't you think that was funny?

JERRY

It was all right.

GEORGE

All right. It was great.

JERRY

It wasn't bad.

GEORGE

Just because you're a comedian, you can't admit that what he said was funny.

JERRY

No. Just because it wasn't that funny, is why I can't admit it was funny.

GEORGE

Funny.

KRAMER

So anyway, what are you doing with your garbage?

JERRY

My garbage?

KRAMER

Yeah.

(Kramer starts looking around for Jerry's garbage)

JERRY

Well I was going to stuff it in the mattress, but if you want it...

(Kramer has found the garbage and is now rooting around in it)

KRAMER

Oh no. What is this? A can?

JERRY

Yeah. So what.

KRAMER

You've got to recycle.

JERRY

Recycle? No, I don't think so.

GEORGE

Why not?

JERRY

My trash-handling experience begins and ends at the garbage can.

KRAMER

Oh sure, pollute this planet. It's OK. You won't be around when the whole thing goes up in BAM, a puff of smoke.

JERRY

You've got a lot of free time on your hands, don't you?

KRAMER

I'm wide open.

JERRY

You want to be in charge of my recycling? Go ahead. You want to sort through my garbage? Be my guest.

(Kramer is again sifting through the garbage)

KRAMER

What is this? Come on! Newspaper!

SCENE - DRUGSTORE

ELAINE

Excuse me. I don't know if you can help me. I'm looking for this floss. It's red. It's thick. It's this really good, thick, red floss.

TIM

I'm sorry. But I don't think they make that brand anymore.

ELAINE

They don't?

TIM

No. I think it made people's hair fall out, or something.

ELAINE

But I loved that floss. That was the only floss I could use. That other stuff cuts my gums.

TIM

What about toothpicks?

ELAINE

You're joking, right?

(Enter Alan)

ALAN

Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing you. Are you talking about Dentone floss?

ELAINE

Yeah! Dentone. Wow. How'd you know?

ALAN

I work for the company that used to make it. We've still got crates of the stuff that we can't sell. I can get you some if you want? You'd just have to pay the wholesale.

ELAINE

Yeah. That would be great.

ALAN

And, you don't care if your hair falls out?

ELAINE

No. I've got lots. Look.

ALAN

Ha. That's funny.

ELAINE

Thanks. I used to date a comedian.

ALAN

Used to?

ELAINE

We're just friends.

ALAN

You know when I like to floss? Before a date.

ELAINE

Really?

ALAN

I think I'd floss for you.

ELAINE

Oh. Well…

ALAN

I'd like to floss tonight. Around 8.

ELAINE

Why not?

SCENE - MONKS

(Jerry is sitting in the coffee shop with Helen, his agent. She's a thin, agitated woman, who seems to be constantly moving)

HELEN

You really killed them in Broadview last week.

JERRY

That was an amusement park. They were throwing peanuts at me. I had cotton candy caught in my hair.

HELEN

But you killed them.

JERRY

Well...

HELEN

Killed. Mowed 'em down. Slaughtered. You slaughtered them.

JERRY

Look, I'm a little uncomfortable with all the death imagery.

HELEN

Come on Jerry. Don't be so serious. Lighten up a bit. Have fun. Come on. Smile! I know you can do it. Smile!

JERRY

About the plane tickets...

HELEN

I told you, Jerry. I'm so sorry. That will never happen again. I don't know how I made that mistake. You know Atlanta and Atlantic City. They're so similar.

JERRY

Similar, yet 1500 miles apart.

HELEN

I'm sorry.

JERRY

Look, I don't think this thing's working out.

HELEN

What thing?

JERRY

Our thing.

HELEN

Our thing?

JERRY

Maybe I'd be better off with someone else managing me.

HELEN

Someone else. Is it another woman? Is she prettier than me?

JERRY

That has nothing to do with it.

HELEN

I knew it.

JERRY

Look, I don't know what you're talking about.

HELEN

Jerry, I can change. I can make you happy. Give me a chance. Let me make you happy.

JERRY

You know, it's not a reflection of you personally. It's more me. It's me, it's my personal tastes. I'm tough to work with. That's what they always tell me.

HELEN

That's right.

JERRY

Excuse me?

HELEN

Well you just said it. You're tough to work with. No. Nothing's too good for you.

JERRY

I am not tough to work with.

HELEN

Who threw a hissy fit last month when he didn't get the window seat?

JERRY

I was a little upset. I did not throw a hissy fit.

HELEN

You almost cried.

JERRY

I had an eyelash in my eye.

HELEN

You know what. I quit. This is too much for me…(Doing an about-face) Please Jerry, give me another chance.

JERRY

It's over.

HELEN

Fine! But I'm keeping the ring.

JERRY

That's a rubber band.

(Helen gets up and storms out)

JERRY

Hey, don't worry. I'll get the cheque.

SCENE - BUILDING LOBBY

(Jerry is in the lobby of an office building, reading the list of tenants on the wall)

JERRY

Tenth floor, eleventh floor, twelfth floor. Fourteenth floor. Excuse me, I'm looking for Barry Sharp's office.

ATTENDANT

What floor?

JERRY

Thirteenth.

ATTENDANT

There isn't a thirteenth floor.

JERRY

Well what's after twelve?

ATTENDANT

Fourteenth.

JERRY

Well where's thirteenth?

ATTENDANT

There isn't a thirteenth.

JERRY

So if I jumped out of the fourteenth floor window, I'd fall 14 stories.

ATTENDANT

You'd fall.

JERRY

I can't believe this.

(An elevator door opens and Kramer walks out with a stack of papers under his arm)

(Enter Kramer)

JERRY

What are you doing here?

KRAMER

Making copies. You know my hot tub? Well, I'm getting rid of it. Selling it. It's good as gone.

JERRY

So you came all the way uptown to use the Xerox?

KRAMER

Well I'm not paying five cents a copy. I'm not made out of money, Jerry.

JERRY

All right. I'll see you later.

KRAMER

Where are you going?

JERRY

Oh, I'm going up to meet a booking agent. I fired my manager so now I've got to handle all this stuff myself.

KRAMER

You know what, I'm gonna come with you.

JERRY

No. You're not coming with me.

KRAMER

Why not?

JERRY

What are you, my mother?

KRAMER

I'm thirsty. You think they've got something to drink up there.

JERRY

I'm sure they do.

KRAMER

Do you think they have water?

JERRY

Yes. I think they have water.

KRAMER

Filtered?

JERRY

I don't know. Will you get out of here?

KRAMER

Well why wouldn't they have filtered?

JERRY

I don't know.

KRAMER

Well don't you think that's a little strange?

JERRY

Please…

KRAMER

Impurities. You know those things add up. And, I don't need to tell you what happens.

JERRY

All right! You can come!

KRAMER

Yes!

JERRY

But you've got to sit still. And be quiet.

KRAMER

Hey. Zipping it up.

(Kramer and Jerry enter the elevator)

KRAMER

You've got something on your face. Here (Kramer removes a tissue from his pocket, spits on it, and holds it up to Jerry's face).

SCENE - BARRY SHARP'S OFFICE

(Jerry and Kramer exit the elevator and enter Barry Sharp's office. It is finely furnished with black leather chairs. A secretary sits at her desk.)

KRAMER

Whoa. Swanky. (Touching the chair) That's real leather. Fine tooled. See that's old world craftsmanship. You can't get that anymore.

JERRY

Sit down.

(Kramer has found a water cooler and is getting a drink)

KRAMER

Filtered.

(Jerry approaches the secretary)

JERRY

Hi. Jerry Seinfeld to see Barry Sharp. I have an appointment for 1.

SECRETARY

Mr. Sharp will be with you in a minute. Would you like to take a seat?

JERRY

Thank you.

KRAMER

Where are the magazines?

JERRY

I don't know. Over there.

KRAMER

No. No. I looked over there.

JERRY

Maybe they don't have any.

KRAMER

How can they not have any? This is a waiting room. They've got to have magazines.

JERRY

I understand it's in the Constitution.

(Kramer is rummaging around for reading material)

KRAMER

Well this is crazy. I can't just sit here. I need to be entertained.

JERRY

This isn't a matinee, you know.

KRAMER

What am I going to do?

JERRY

Here. You want to read something? I've got a baggage claim ticket.

(Kramer gets up from his seat)

JERRY

What are you doing?

KRAMER

I'm gonna say something.

JERRY

You're not gonna say anything.

KRAMER

Jerry, look at us, sitting out here like a couple of saps. Sitting here. Completely unstimulated. What are we supposed to do?

JERRY

How about talk to each other.

KRAMER

Yeah! Right.

JERRY

Will you sit down?

(Kramer approaches the secretary)

KRAMER

Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice that you don't seem to have any magazines.

SECRETARY

That's right.

KRAMER

Well don't you think that's a little amateurish?

SECRETARY

Mr. Sharp will be with you in a minute sir.

KRAMER

Oh. I'm sure he will. Meanwhile us insignificant little paeans have to sit out here and stare at the walls until we go snow-blind. Is that fair? I don't think so.

JERRY

Will you sit down?

KRAMER

Give me a newspaper. A pamphlet. Something!

JERRY

(To the secretary) I'm sorry.

KRAMER

Oh, no, don't apologize. Don't give in to them.

(Enter Mr. Sharp)

SHARP

Excuse me. Can I help you?

KRAMER

What kind of office are you running here?

SHARP

Excuse me?

JERRY

(To Kramer) Get out of here! I'm sorry, Barry.

SHARP

Jerry. Is this guy with you?

JERRY

Sort of. I'm just watching him, you know. He got hit in the head by a light bulb. He was just sitting there and this light bulb fell down and hit him in the head. And he's supposed to be under observation. So I'm observing him.

SHARP

Oh.

JERRY

So, should we go into your office?

SHARP

You know what. I've got all the information for you right here. Here are the tickets.

JERRY

Oh, so it's all arranged?

SHARP

Yeah. Everything's done. Here's the cheque

JERRY

Oh.

SHARP

What?

JERRY

It's just a little less than I thought it would be.

SHARP

No. That's what we settled on.

JERRY

Well, all right.

KRAMER

What's going on here?

JERRY

Nothing.

KRAMER

Is he trying to sucker you? Is he trying to sucker you? Because he better not be trying to sucker you?

JERRY

He's not trying anything.

SHARP

Excuse me. Who are you?

KRAMER

I'm your worst nightmare buddy.

JERRY

Don't pay any attention to him. You know it wasn't even a bulb. It was like whole neon, fluorescent, tube thing.

KRAMER

Let me see that (grabs the cheque). Ha! You've got to be kidding.

JERRY

What are you doing?

KRAMER

No. We won't do anything for a penny less than this (grabs a pen, writes a number on the back of the cheque and hands it to Sharp).

SHARP

I don't think you understand...

KRAMER

Here's what I think I understand (rips up the cheque). You think we're a couple of rubes fresh off the turnip truck? I've been in this business for twenty-five years. Twenty-five years. Oh, you're not slipping this by me.

SHARP

Jerry?

JERRY

I'm really sorry, Barry.

KRAMER

No. The only one who should be sorry is him. $1500. That's an insult. Hey, why don't you just take my money. Take my money. (Begins removing cash from his wallet and throwing it on the floor) Take it. Because I don't want it.

SHARP

Well maybe we can come up a little bit.

KRAMER

A little. Oh no. A lot.

SHARP

Well maybe we can work something out.

KRAMER

You see how easy that was.

SHARP

$2500? Is that fair?

KRAMER

Now we're talking.

SHARP

I'll have my secretary draw up the papers.

KRAMER

Papers? No. Here (sticks out his hand). That's how we do business where I come from.

SHARP

Well, Jerry. Do we have a deal?

JERRY

Deal. Yeah, deal.

SHARP

Well. I'll talk to you later.

KRAMER

Nice doing business with you. (To Jerry) Lets get out of here.

SCENE - MONKS

(Kramer and Jerry are sitting at a table, eating)

JERRY

I still can't believe it.

KRAMER

Oh, you'd better. Because it's right there. And you're staring at it.

JERRY

$2500. That's more than we talked about.

KRAMER

You've got to be forceful. You've got to hold the cards. And you've got to deal them. You know the art of the deal, Jerry. It's a strange bedfellow. Business. Well you've got to live it before you learn it.

JERRY

What are you talking about?

KRAMER

Life.

JERRY

Hmm.

KRAMER

What?

JERRY

Nothing.

KRAMER

I'll do it!

JERRY

What? Do what?

KRAMER

I'll manage you.

JERRY

I never said anything.

KRAMER

We're on the same wavelength here. I can feel it. That's what you were thinking. You don't even have to speak.

(Enter Waitress with a pot of coffee)

WAITRESS

(To Jerry) More coffee?

KRAMER

Yes.

JERRY

Actually, no thanks.

KRAMER

He'll have the decaf.

JERRY

Alright.

KRAMER

So what's our next move?

JERRY

Our next move?

KRAMER

You know. Work the phones? The club scene?

JERRY

You're not managing me.

KRAMER

Why not?

JERRY

Do you have any experience?

KRAMER

No.

JERRY

Do you have any formal training?

KRAMER

No.

JERRY

Have you ever worked in show business.

KRAMER

No.

JERRY

Well, I think that's a start.

KRAMER

I think you're making a big mistake

JERRY

You want to manage me?

KRAMER

Of course I do. Look, Jerry, you're just a kid. Oh, I know the type. Young, wide-eyed. Thinks the whole world's their oyster. Yeah, you've got…some talent. And with my help that…little bit of talent could go a long way. I'll bust down doors for you. I'll bust 'em down. Look at the lines on this face. Look at them. You know what that is? That's experience.

JERRY

No…No. It won't work.

KRAMER

Why not? Look, I'll start drawing something up. What you need is a career plan. Have you ever thought about playing Juno?

JERRY

Alaska?

KRAMER

Eskimos. They love to laugh. Keeps them warm.

SCENE – STREET

(George is sitting on a bench, adjusting his new COWBOY BOOTS)

(Enter Dan and Wife)

DAN

Excuse me. My wife and I are just in from Portland for the weekend. We're lost, and well, we're trying to find Rockefeller Centre. Could you help us?

GEORGE

Yeah, Rockefeller Centre, that's just…you know, I'm sorry, I really don't feel comfortable giving directions.

DAN

Why not?

GEORGE

It's a long story.

DAN

Well don't you know where it is?

GEORGE

Yes. But I'm just really not comfortable mapping it out for you. You know, what if I tell you to go left and you should have gone right? You see what I'm saying? It'll ruin my whole day.

DAN

I don't understand. Are you from New York?

GEORGE

Born and raised.

DAN

So you just won't tell us?

GEORGE

Look. It's in that direction. (Waves his hand nonchalantly)

DAN

That direction?

GEORGE

Please. I'm doing you a favour.

(George gets up and clunks down the street in his boots)

SCENE – ELAINE'S APARTMENT

(Elaine is waiting for her date. He arrives, pulls up to the curb, and exits the car)

MARK

Elaine. You look lovely.

ELAINE

Thanks. You too. Handsome though.

MARK

Your chariot awaits.

ELAINE

Oh! What a nice car.

MARK

It used to be my father's.

ELAINE

Oh. I'm sorry.

MARK

It's okay. He didn't die. He just gave it to me.

ELAINE

Well. That's nice!

MARK

Umm, Elaine. I know this might sound a little strange, and feel free to say no if you're not comfortable, but could you drive?

ELAINE

You want me to drive?

MARK

Yeah. I'm not a really good driver, and it kind of makes me uncomfortable when I'm the car with another person. I'm swerving all over the lane. And forget about parking. I mean, if I have to make a left-hand turn...I hope you don't mind.

ELAINE

No. I don't mind. I'll drive. No big deal.

MARK

You're sure.

ELAINE

Yeah. I'll drive. Come on. (Rattles the key chain) Get in.

SCENE – COFFEE SHOP

(Jerry is sitting at a booth, George enters decked out as a cowboy)

JERRY

(Looking George up and down) My god.

GEORGE

(Twirls around)

JERRY

I'm speechless.

GEORGE

The jeans are a little tight.

JERRY

Yeah. I can see your…

GEORGE

All right!

JERRY

So what is this?

GEORGE

I woke up this morning. I went outside to get the paper. And I realized something. I want to be a cowboy.

JERRY

It's funny. I did the same thing, and all I felt like was a bowl of shredded wheat.

GEORGE

Laugh if you want. It's all about takin' er easy.

JERRY

You're gonna talk like a cowboy now too?

GEORGE

Well, I picked up a few expressions.

JERRY

Get along little doggies.

GEORGE

Yeah. So what do you think?

JERRY

Think? I love it. I've always said you look great in tassels.

GEORGE

You really like it?

JERRY

Yeah. Hey, it'll be great for dates. You go out for the dinner. Tie up your horse to the hitchin' post. Then you just ride off into the sunset. Or if anyone ever challenges you to a duel. You're ready.

GEORGE

All right.

JERRY

Who are you supposed to be, Joe Buck?

GEORGE

The broadcaster?

JERRY

The cowboy.

GEORGE

Oh.

JERRY

Well, at least you tried.

GEORGE

(Flinging his cowboy hat down) That's right. I'm out there trying new things. Taking chances.

JERRY

Roping steer.

GEORGE

Someone asked me for directions today. Some guy and his wife from Portland. I couldn't do it.

JERRY

Couldn't do what?

GEORGE

I couldn't help them. I was so afraid of giving them the wrong directions, I froze. I was trying to map it out in my head. OK, you turn here, left there, right here.

JERRY

So if you knew where they had to go, why didn't you just tell them?

GEORGE

I wasn't 100 sure. You can't give directions unless you're 100 sure. That's a sacred trust. Directions.

JERRY

So where were they going, somewhere in the village?

GEORGE

Rockefeller Center.

JERRY

But you've been there like 500 times.

GEORGE

I know. My mental map database, gone. Years of directions just vanished from my brain. Shortcuts, everything.

JERRY

Maybe those jeans are a little tight.

SCENE – STREET

(Kramer is on the street handing out fliers advertising Jerry's comedy)

KRAMER

Hey. Jerry Seinfeld. One night only. Bring your friends.

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

(Jerry and Elaine are sitting on the couch)

JERRY

He made you drive?

ELAINE

He didn't make me drive. He asked me to drive.

JERRY

Same thing.

ELAINE

It is not the same thing. He asked me.

JERRY

How did he ask you?

ELAINE

He said, well, "Elaine, I hope you don't mind, but would it be possible for you to drive."

JERRY

Would it be possible? That's not asking. That's telling. What were you gonna do, say no? "No. Of course it wouldn't be possible. No, of course I mind."

ELAINE

I guess I couldn't have said no.

JERRY

A man making a woman drive. I've seen it before. It just doesn't seem right.

ELAINE

No. To tell you the truth, it was kind of a turn off.

JERRY

So are you going out with him again?

ELAINE

Yeah, we're going out tonight. I told him I'd pick him up at eight.

JERRY

There's something about being behind the wheel of a car. It's like chopping wood.

ELAINE

Yeah.

JERRY

All those engine parts have like those really masculine names. Like the pistons, axel, wheel well.

ELAINE

What about muffler? That's kind of dainty.

JERRY

Yeah. I'm not too happy about spark plug either.

(Enter Kramer)

KRAMER

Hey. There you are. I've been calling you all day.

JERRY

No you haven't. I've been here the whole time and the phone hasn't rung.

KRAMER

Well then who was I calling?

JERRY

I don't know.

KRAMER

Wow. That's a tough one. An eye opener. Kind of brings you back down to earth you know.

JERRY

I wouldn't think that would be a problem for you.

KRAMER

I got you a gig tonight at Catch-22. Now it doesn't pay that much, but I heard from the maitre-d that Lorne Michaels might just drop by for dessert. So, you know, new material.

JERRY

What are you talking about? Got me a gig? Who told you that you could get me a gig?

KRAMER

Jerry, I'm your manager. I've got to be autonomous. I've got to.

JERRY

First of all, you're not my manager. And I've already got a show tonight.

KRAMER

Well no one told me!

JERRY

Was I supposed to?

KRAMER

Oh right. Cut me right out of the loop. Well that's a bad career move, buddy. You know, Brillstein, he told me this would happen.

JERRY

You know Bernie Brillstein?

KRAMER

His cousin. But he knows the score.

JERRY

Look, will you calm down. I can't do the show tonight. Just call and cancel.

KRAMER

I can't. I gave them my word.

JERRY

So what?

KRAMER

That's all I have.

JERRY

So?

KRAMER

And I took a little advance.

JERRY

So give it back.

KRAMER

I can't. I already spent it on a filter for the hot tub.

JERRY

But I thought you were getting rid of the hot tub?

KRAMER

I can't fit it through the door. It's stuck in there. I don't even know how I got it in.

JERRY

How much did you take?

KRAMER

$1500

JERRY

You got $1500 to do Catch-22?

KRAMER

Well it took a little wiggling you know.

JERRY

Wow. I don't think anyone's ever gotten close to that.

KRAMER

Piscopo. You know he got twelve. But that was for him and Sinatra.

JERRY

Well what time do I go on?

KRAMER

10:15.

JERRY

That's the best spot.

KRAMER

You're the showcase.

JERRY

The showcase? Really. Elaine, I've never been a showcase before.

KRAMER

Yeah. They really want you. I had them on their knees. They were begging me. Begging me.

JERRY

I'm doing a show at Moe's at 8. You know what, I think I can make it. I think I can do both shows.

KRAMER

Oh, that's great. Yeah. Oh man, that's great.

JERRY

You still owe me $1500 you know.

KRAMER

Well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

SCENE - GEORGE'S APARTMENT

(George is sitting on his couch peeling an orange. He finishes and picks up the phone to call Jerry)

JERRY

Hello.

GEORGE

Hey, I just peeled an orange in one continuous peel. You know how rare that is?

JERRY

Congratulations.

GEORGE

Well, that's it.

JERRY

That's what you called to tell me?

GEORGE

Yeah.

JERRY

Hey, what are you doing tonight?

GEORGE

Nothing.

JERRY

Why don't you come down to this show I'm doing at Catch-22.

GEORGE

I don't know.

JERRY

What else are you going to do?

GEORGE

I think I might go to sleep.

JERRY

Well if you change your mind, the show's at 10.

GEORGE

Alright.

(George hangs up the phone. He takes another orange off his lap and begins peeling it)

SCENE - ALAN'S CAR

ELAINE

So where are we going?

ALAN

I got us reservations at Catch-22. It's this nightclub in Midtown. I think Lorne Michaels hangs out there a lot.

ELAINE

Hey, my friend's performing there tonight.

ALAN

Really?

ELAINE

Yeah. So where is it?

ALAN

Midtown.

ELAINE

Where in Midtown?

ALAN

I don't know.

ELAINE

You don't know?

ALAN

Sorry. I don't drive a lot. I don't really know the streets very well.

ELAINE

Oh well, we'll just stop and ask someone for directions.

SCENE - GEORGE'S APARTMENT

(George is eating crackers and brushing the crumbs onto the floor)

GEORGE

All right.

(Suddenly he gets up, checks his watch, and wanders into the bedroom)

SCENE - ALAN'S CAR

ELAINE

Hey, where are we?

ALAN

I don't know.

ELAINE

Didn't that guy say left, then right?

ALAN

Yeah. I think so.

ELAINE

Is that a cow? Are there farms in New York City?

ALAN

I think I see a guy up there. Stop and ask him where we are.

ELAINE

Is that a cowboy?

ALAN

I think it is.

(Elaine and Alan pull up beside the cowboy)

ELAINE

Excuse me, but we're kind of lost. Do you know where we are?

PAUL

Sorry, ma'am. But I'm kind of lost myself.

ELAINE

Oh.

PAUL

Say, would you mind giving me a lift into the city. Some fellow gave me some bad directions yesterday, and I've been walking ever since. A short, stocky, bald-headed fellow. If I ever see him again...

ELAINE

Well, saddle up.

SCENE - BACKSTAGE AT CATCH-22

KRAMER

Hey. How about that spread? Huh. Tell me that's not the best bologna you've ever had. Because if you don't tell me that, you're lying. And there's no room for that in show business. This is a brotherhood. We've got to trust each other.

JERRY

Yeah. It was good bologna.

KRAMER

Not just good.

(Applause and the club emcee are heard)

EMCEE

Lets give a big round of applause for the prop comic, Andy Lohner. Andy Lohner.

(Enter Andy Lohner)

JERRY

Good set.

ANDY

Thanks. It's a good room out there tonight.

KRAMER

Is that a lass-oo?

ANDY

It's a lasso.

KRAMER

Wow. Do you mind?

ANDY

No. I'll tell you what, you can keep it. This whole cowboy thing isn't working for me. What's funny about a cowboy? Nothing.

KRAMER

Thanks.

EMCEE

And now ladies and gentlemen, a big round of applause for Jerry Seinfeld.

KRAMER

Break a leg.

JERRY

Thanks.

SCENE - DOOR OF CATCH-22

(George enters and looks for a seat)

SCENE - STAGE AT CATCH-22

JERRY

One thing the homeless don't get enough credit for is their penmanship. I'm walking down the street and I see a homeless guy holding up a sign. We've all seen this. And the sign says the usual thing. You know, "homeless, need food, thank you for your donations." All that stuff. But what struck me was how neat this sign was. I mean the lettering was perfect. And correct spelling. Who is making these signs for the homeless? You've got the flap torn off the cardboard box. And the big printed letters. I mean, is someone doing this for a living? And how much can they be charging?

How bad does it feel to get conned by a homeless person? I mean you're this ordinary average guy walking down the street, and here you think you're doing a nice thing by giving this guy some change. And he's conning you. It's a con.

I think that homeless people, as a group, are part of some giant homeless organization. What I really love about the homeless is the "God bless you," that they always have at the end of that sign. You know, these are some levelheaded people.

SCENE - BACKSTAGE AT THE CLUB

(Elaine, Alan, and Paul enter)

ELAINE

Kramer.

KRAMER

Hey. Performers only.

ELAINE

Is that Jerry?

KRAMER

He's killing. You know, I think I can get him Carson.

ELAINE

(To Alan) Lets go.

(Exit Elaine and Alan)

PAUL

Much obliged for the ride ma'am. (To Kramer) Howdy partner.

KRAMER

Well. Howdy yourself.

PAUL

That's quite a rope you've got there.

KRAMER

Isn't she a beaut.

PAUL

You mind if I give her a little twirl. It's been a while.

KRAMER

No. Sure. Go ahead.

SCENE - CATCH-22

(George is arguing with a waiter)

WAITER

Excuse me sir, but we're going to have to ask you to change tables.

GEORGE

Why?

WAITER

Lorne Michaels just called. He's on his way and this is his favourite table.

GEORGE

So what?

WAITER

So I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to move.

GEORGE

I'm not moving.

WAITER

Sir.

GEORGE

Just because he's Lorne Michaels he gets to sit wherever he wants. Just because he's Lorne Michaels. I've got news for you. I hated Three Amigos.

SCENE - BACKSTAGE

(George's voice can be heard backstage)

PAUL

That voice. It sounds mighty familiar.

SCENE - DINING ROOM OF CATCH-22

(Elaine and Alan are watching the show. Elaine has a few empty cocktail glasses in front of her.)

ALAN

This is your friend, Jerry?

ELAINE

Yeah.

ALAN

He's terrible. Who wants to hear about the homeless? You know who's funny? James Carrville.

ELAINE

Well...

ALAN

I can't hear anything with that guy yelling.

ELAINE

Yeah. They only come out at night.

ALAN

I think we should go.

ELAINE

Really?

(Jerry's voice can be heard over the conversation)

JERRY

Don't you hate these people with personalized license plates? And just when did the number one become an L?

ALAN

Yeah. I think we should go.

ELAINE

Alright.

(Elaine gets up but is a little wobbly)

ALAN

Are you all right.

ELAINE

Yeah. I just haven't eaten anything all day. And I had that cocktail. I thought we were going to stay for dinner.

ALAN

It's okay. I'll drive.

SCENE - BACKSTAGE

PAUL

I know that voice. That's the fellow who gave me those directions.

(Paul parts the curtains and storms onto the stage, waving the lasso above his head. Jerry looks around, puzzled. Paul is about to throw the rope when a pedestrian comes storming in the front doors)

PEDESTRIAN

Everyone! Some really bad driver just ran over Lorne Michaels!

(Everyone streams out of the room. Only George is left in the audience. He starts to applaud, weakly. Kramer approaches Paul and places his hand on his shoulder.)

KRAMER

That was really good. Here's my card. Lets talk.

THE END


End file.
